Bright, sensible Dot Mallory has been leading an ordinary suburban life, with a good job in IT. She’s come through a fair bit, but things are going well. But when the movie company arrives in Australia to film “The Captain’s Daughter”, everything changes, not just for those directly involved. The more so as Dot’s cousin, the now-famous Lily Rose Rayne, is the star of the picture, and Dot’s a dead ringer for her.

Urgent Dispatches



6

Urgent Dispatches

From: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: URGENT what are you doing
Date: 21 Sep 2000
Dot. What is this rumour about you giving up your job? Bumped into Cassie Wilson and she tells me you’ve resigned. Tried to ring you at your parents no. last night, no reply. Get back to me ASAP
Alan

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
Subject: URGENT what are you doing
Date: 22 Sep 2000
Hi Alan,
I have resigned. So much for confidentiality. Was going to tell you myself. Working for Uncle Jerry doing IT support. If you want to take over the flat you better get on to Miser Mason ASAP. <jeff.mason@Perkins_dudley_finch.com.au> that is a cap P. Otherwise I’ll tell him to relet it.
Don’t touch my books I’ll collect them. But shove my other stuff in the cupboard in the carport if you like. See you Saturday week unless Uncle Jerry’s ISP cretins totally f up his website.
Dot
PS The family were at Aunty May’s the night you rung watching my cousin Rosie’s TV show, reason you couldn’t get thru.

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@sociology.lu.ed.uk>
Subject: Are you kidding
Date: 22 Sep 2000
Hi Rosie
Saw your show the other night your Mum thought it was marvellous, me & Dad & Uncle Jerry laughed our sox off, is V. Knollys kidding or is he kidding? And isn’t that Shirley temple tap dance thing with the babydoll sailor dress 30’s not 50’s?
All your dad’s ladies thought it was marvellous too so Look Out you’re going to be a Household name here as well as Gt Brit.
Got to go, piles of reading to do for work tomorrow, its going good.
Dot

From: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: URGENT what are you doing
Date: 22 Sep 2000
Dot are you mad? Giving up a really good job to work in the family business? Why didn’t you let me know what you were planning. I don’t appreciate being the last to know. I won’t be home Saturday week, you’ve obviously forgotten but it’s my Cycling Club Rally. Will see you on the Sunday around six pm. We need to talk things out.
Alan

From: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@sociology.lu.ed.uk>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: Are you kidding
Date: 24 Sep 2000
Hi Dot,
Things are mad here, finally got into Uni & checked my mail. So glad you liked the show!! Varley Knollys is kidding, of course, but this has never dawned on the Great British Public. (I’m certainly kidding but this hasn’t dawned on ANYONE.) Added to which Paul Mitchell films the stuff dead straight. No-one’s quite sure whether he’s ever realised that Varley’s laughing up his sleeve at, not necessarily in this order, the Fifties thing, the Royal Navy, the song-and-dance thing, and Year 2K so-called Liberation as opposed to the Fifties thing. But just as you’re thinking that maybe Varley is an okay joker after all, the answer’s a lemon. Hopelessly up himself.
    Mum’s already rung me, dare say you guessed that, had a little cry down the phone, dare say you guessed that, too. Never expected it to be so good, why didn’t I send her a video (like, pre-releasing it Downunder? Brian Hendricks would have slaughtered me!) and wouldn’t Darryn Hinds (the youngest lieutenant, dishy in a soft way, dark hair & eyes) be much more suitable for me than an older man? No, he wouldn’t, he’s about six years younger than me. That didn’t cheer her up. So I told her John’s been sent to the States on a 6 months’ secondment. Funnily enough that did cheer her up. It’s some sort of bloody liaison job with the Yanks, they’re letting the Poms believe they want to tell them about the latest Star Wars crap while actually keeping all the good intel to themselves. Time-wasting PR exercises, right. Absolutely nothing will come of it: for one thing the Yanks don’t want anything to come of it, and for another thing the Administration’s due to change over there, presidential elections in Nov, but something coming of it wasn’t the point. PR was the point on both sides, plus on the Brit side a large helping of getting Captain J. Haworth, R.N., out of the way of Lily Rose Rayne, darling of the tabloids, 21st-century Marilyn Monroe, and Page Three sex-kitten. You better believe it.
    And guess who was behind that cunning move? Well, in the first instance, John's First Officer, Commander Corky (Well-Connected) Corcoran, R.N. But he wasn’t the only well-connected Naval personality ganging up against L.R Marshall, no sirree. Because, gee, John’s father just happens to be Admiral Sir Bernard Haworth, R.N. (Rtd.) and his grandfather on bloody Lady Mother’s side just happened to have been First Lord of the Admiralty. So many years back that you’d think it wouldn’t count, but believe you me, in Britain it counts. So for the next six months NO pics will be taken of me and John together and hopefully the paparazzi will forget we ever were together. Of course John knows why they’re doing it, though possibly not who was behind it.
    Help, seem to be blahing on forever. Anyway, we ring each other every day but believe you me, having a relationship transatlantic at the end of the phone is very, very difficult. So I’m throwing myself into my uni work. Don’t for God’s sake tell Mum or any of the rellies that I’m still doing it, will you? Henny Penny Productions still haven’t got a clue that I only took the rôle for my research for Mark's workplace relations book.
    Better get back to it, seem to have finished my chocolate cream donut. The tapping works it off, you ought to try it. Or not, depending on whether you fancy being a 21st-century Marilyn.
Lots of love,
Rosie
PS, the tapping and the babydoll dress are becos Brian’s Concept is that amateurish tapping is very Fifties. His own, he claims. There is a rival claim from his old mate Derry Dawlish, the film director (that really vile South Seas version of "A Midsummer Night’s Dream" with Adam McIntyre in blue tattoos & a pearl G-string and Georgy Harris in a few petals). Nobody believes the latter, D.D.’s v. good at taking credit for other people’s ideas. The claim that he’s going to make a movie of The Captain’s D. starring Lily Rose herself is GREATLY exaggerated!

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
Subject: URGENT what are you doing
Date: 25 Sep 2000
Hi Alan,
couldn't get back to you earlier, flat out at work, uncle jerrys isp cretins site crashed plus and they reckon they cant support the software package im looking at for him. Cant stay for teh Sun have to be back for brekkie meet first thing Mon no suitable flight. Joe saddler will dump some book cartons at the flat some time next week if you're not in told him to leave them in the carport. Merri roberts wants some of my stuff told her take anything you don’t want she will ring you.
Dot
PS. Sorry but nothing to talk out im fixed in Sydney now

From: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: URGENT what are you doing
Date: 25 Sep 2000
Dot this is very unsatisfactory you will have to postpone breakfast meet as we need to set parameters if you intend settling permanently in Sydney. I can’t possibly give up my job here. You can’t just leave me with the flat on my hands. Please reply ASAP
Alan

From: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: RE MY EARLIER MESSAGE
Date: 26 Sep 2000
Dot,
Please reply.
Alan

From: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: RE MY EARLIER MESSAGE AGAIN
Date: 27 Sep 2000
dot what are you playing at reply my message of 25-Sep-2000
Alan

From: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: RE MY EARLIER MESSAGE AGAIN
Date: 28 Sep 2000
dot what are you playing at reply my message of 25-Sep-2000
Alan

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Alan Fairbright” <alanjfairbright@bigmail.com.au>
Subject: RE MY EARLIER MESSAGE AGAIN
Date: 30 Sep 2000
Alan got your message cant cancel brek meet have advised Miser Mason giving up flat as from end this month as rent paid up to then. Got to rush
Dot



31 Langley Drive,
Golden Meadows,
Sydney

15th October 2000

Dear June,
    It was so lovely to get your letter with the new pictures of Joanie and Seve and the cuttings of Rosie. I had no idea she was going to be in those lovely ads for the new perfume! Isn’t it lovely that they’re calling it “Lily Rose” after her? It isn’t in the shops here yet but Allyson and I popped in to David Jones when we were in town yesterday and the lady at the perfume counter assured us they’ll have it in for Christmas. I showed her the big coloured picture of Rosie from the back of the magazine and she was so interested.
    Rosie’s series is really popular here, so ignore anything Jerry says about the ABC only running “The Bill” against it and the other commercial channels having silly sports and science fiction. It isn’t true anyway, you know what he is. To tell you the truth I was getting quite cross with him, what with insisting on watching the cricket and the tennis, when he’s never been interested in tennis, on the old TV in the family room whenever that lovely series with John Thaw was on. Not to mention coming home for lunch and then turning on the racing channel on that silly Foxtel and gluing himself to it, but of course now that dear little Dot’s started working for him I realise it was just worry about the business. He’s calmed down so much, you can’t imagine what a relief it is!
    They had a grand opening, if that’s what you call it when it’s all in the computers, and of course we all went. Well, not Kenny, I said to him, don’t you realise you’re disappointing your father but all he said was they wouldn’t give him the time off. That means he never asked for it. I’m quite sure that lovely Dr Whitman would have let him have an afternoon off. But Sally and Andy came, and Allyson and Wendalyn, and we even got Marianne and George Gridley-Smythe along, in fact he was quite keen to come. Of course Jerry said something sarky about the bank being interested now they realise it’s going to bring in the shekels, but fortunately not to his face. I was surprised that Andy got the time off, you know how strict those awful senior partners in his law firm are, but Sally just said he was owed weeks of overtime, he could tell them where to put it for once. Of course Jerry’s girls laid on a tremendous spread, but I rustled up a couple of pavlovas for them, those Queensland strawberries are quite nice if you halve them and sprinkle them with icing sugar, and Allyson did her pineapple upside-down-cake, it’s easy but it never fails and it always looks good. It all went off very well and the home page, that’s where they have their big ad, looked really nice. Well, modern, you know, but nice.
    Dear little Dot was looking very smart in a black suit. Of course it’s appropriate for business, isn’t it, and all the girls seem to be wearing them this year, but it did make her look older. I said to Jerry that night don’t make her work too hard, but you know what he is, he just laughed and said she’s got the energy of 10 women 10 times her size. She showed me on one of the other computers how you can connect to the whatsit and put in your bet, of course it looked easy when she did it but I must say I couldn’t help wondering will the punters find it too hard? They’ve got lots of games, too, they look very pretty but there’s nothing to tell you what to do, just like that silly Solitaire Rosie used to have on her computer. Jerry and Dot reckon that all the punters know what to do. I certainly hope they’re right, with all the money he’s borrowed to set it up.
    Poor Marianne Gridley-Smythe was quite at a loss and said to me that she had no idea Jerry was into all that. Honestly, she lives in another world! So I said did she imagine he wanted to stand in the rain at Randwick for the rest of his days, and at least he can manage this new stuff from the office. She gave me the recipe for the mushroom and broccoli salad you were asking about so I’m enclosing it. It’s got some funny oil in it but I’m sure you could just use canola or sunflower.
    Sally and Andy were terribly proud of Dot, it was nice to see them both encouraging her for once, poor little soul. Though I can understand that Sally finds her exhausting to live with, Rosie was just the same when she was younger. I went home with them, and Sally asked me if Dot had said anything to me about Alan Fairbright. That’s her boyfriend in Canberra. They were sharing the flat, so we thought it was getting quite serious. All I could say was, she hasn’t breathed a word to me. According to Sally she seems to have simply brushed him under the carpet. Is that the expression? Well, you know what I mean. She’s acting as if he never existed. I had to say that that sounds exactly like Rosie and that lovely Jonno Palmer. I don’t think she’s given him a thought since the day she walked out on him, and all she would say when I asked her about it was that he was a brainless nong. But Dot hasn’t even said that much! When Sally asked her what about him all she said was: “Well, what?” Sometimes I do wonder about these girls with their brains and their degrees, but of course it’s no use saying anything, is it?
    Though on the other hand look at poor Joslynne Gridley-Smythe. It just shows you never can tell. According to her mother she’s met a nice young accountant but I’m afraid we’re all taking that with a grain of salt. Besides, the next thing she’ll be telling us his aura’s all wrong or his crystal swung round in the wrong direction or something.
    I’m enclosing a photo of the frangipani by the pool like you asked but of course at this time of year it’s just twigs, they come into leaf very late. So I’ll send you another one later. The nurseryman said it’ll be sure to flower this summer, it’s quite a well-grown one.
    Jerry and I popped in to see Mum at the Home last weekend. Kenny refused to come, as usual. I said to him, she is your grandmother, and I’m sure she knows who you are, underneath, but he got very cross. She seems very well. Slow, of course, but quite fit, the leg hasn’t given her any trouble this year. Old Mrs Perkins in the next room died, isn't that sad? Though she was ninety-three. Mum called Jerry “Uncle Ian” again, but now that I’ve dug out the old albums even Kenny admits he does look quite like him. She had a bright spell and told us all about a school picnic she and her brothers and sisters went on, they took the train, it was all crystal clear, it’s just recent things that she can’t remember. I showed her some of the pictures of Rosie and she pointed to the big framed one on her little table so I’m sure she does know who she is. The staff at the Home were thrilled to get the signed pictures I asked Rosie to send, I knew they would be.
    Jerry’s talking about going down to Melbourne for the Cup again this year, so I suppose that means I’ll have to go shopping. I can’t shame him in front of all his smart racing friends. I might take Dot with me, it’ll be a good excuse to make sure she buys something really pretty for herself! She’s planning to stay with George (our George!) for a few days because she didn’t have a proper holiday this year, but Jerry’s making noises about a week at a really good hotel for us. I said to him what is there to do in Melbourne for a week, for Heaven’s sake, but I won’t tell you what his reply was! At our ages! Honestly!
    Give my best to George, won’t you? I was glad to hear he’s over that horrid bronchitis at last. And do tell him that the nice nurseryman’s quite sure he could grow a frangipani in his glasshouse, I popped in and asked him when I was out that way last week.
    Well, that’s all the news for now. I’ll pop into the Post Office with this this afternoon. Australia Post, they call themselves these days, it’s ridiculous, you can hardly move in there for all the stationery and greeting cards and videos and computer discs and stuff, does your Post Office do that? You feel quite ashamed to ask for a stamp! Poor Yvonne Ridley gave up her job there, she couldn’t cope with all the Eftpos stuff and that silly machine that bleeps at you, it kept telling her she’d paid it in instead of taking it out.
    Take care of yourself, dear June.
All love,
May


From: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@sociology.lu.ed.uk>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: LR You-Know-Who
Date: 16 Nov 2000
Hi Dot,
Thought I’d better warn you that the “Lily Rose Revealed as Uni Lecturer and Fake” stuff might be about to break. Rupy and me are agreed that if the tabloids get hold of it it’ll be the end of the show, becos if the Great Brit Public aren’t furious off their own bat at having the wool pulled over their eyes by a sociologist only pretending to be the 21st-century Marilyn, the tabloids’ll rub it in really hard and make sure they are furious, because I've pulled the wool over their eyes, too, and if there’s anything they hate, it’s that. While the deception as such will be meat and drink to them, of course.
    It isn’t my fault at ALL, tho Rupy claims it is. I won’t bore you with the details but Linda Corcoran, John's First Officer's daughter, she’d be in their equivalent of Year 12, has got hold of the facts. Swears she won’t tell a soul in between “Isn’t it exciting!” So Rupy and me have got all our fingers and toes crossed but we’re not hoping for much. They always have a Best Friend, don't they?
    John doesn’t know it may be about to break and Rupy’s nagging me to tell him. But what’s the point, he’s got enough on his plate & there’s nothing he can do from Washington DC. But I am definitely going to tell Henny Penny Productions that’s all she wrote as soon as we’ve finished filming the third series, i.e. quite soon. Though with Xmas coming up it might be better to hold off, let Brian Hendricks enjoy his Xmas, what do you think?
    Anyway, just thought I’d warn you, because even tho she wept buckets when she thought I’d given up the sociology there’ll be floods of tears from Mum when she realises I'm not serious about the Captain's Daughter shit.
Cheers,
Rosie.

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@sociology.lu.ed.uk>
Subject: LR You-Know-Who
Date: 18 Nov 2000
Rosie are you nuts? Listen to yourself, it isn’t your fault? So whose fault is it? And personally I’d tell John the lot if I didn’t want to have a big bust-up transatlantic, a senior Royal Navy captain doesn’t sound like the type that’d go for the sort of procrastination that you specialise in. And you might spare a thought for Brian Hendricks’s business, after letting him think for the past 2 years that he’s found the 21st century Marilyn. Doesn’t he at least deserve being told the bad news ASAP before the tabloids spare you the trouble? Some people might say and tell Aunty May ASAP only I know what you mean, the bawling is hard to take. But couldn’t you tell Uncle Jerry, for God’s sake?
Dot
PS And for God’s sake write and tell Aunty May you got the snaps of her hat at the Cup!

From: “Dot Mallory” <dot@ozbets.com.au>
To: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
Subject: Pull finger out
Date: 22 Nov 2000
Jack
Get that new version our home page loaded ASAP or lose our business. Note: some clients experiencing SIGNIF delays. If your server cant handle our vol. of traffic will find someone who can you better reread our contract with you & I should warn you Uncle J starting to get really narked
Dot :-(

From: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dot@ozbets.com.au>
Subject: Pull finger out
Date: 23 Nov 2000
Hi Dot,
New page up now, check it out. Server traffic greater than Harry & Kyle anticipated, don't look at me, told them it would be. Will be installing upgrade soon, projected weekend after next.
Jack :-)

From: “Dot Mallory” <dot@ozbets.com.au>
To: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
Subject: Pull finger out
Date: 23 Nov 2000
Jack
Page looks good, about time. Upgrading in the WEEKEND are you nuts? What about our punters. Suggest you and Harry & Kyle rethink that one. Haven’t passed on that glad tidings to Uncle J YET.
Friday night, all day Saturday our busiest times. I.e. the RACES. Don’t take this as a Mede and Persian, anticipate patterns will change as more game payers log on.
Dot :-(

From: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dot@ozbets.com.au>
Subject: Pull finger out
Date: 24 Nov 2000
Hi Dot,
Glad you like the page. Most of our corporate clients don't need the service on weekends but we can start late Sat night work thru the Sunday how does that grab you?
Not sure where these Persians come into it? but take your point, will expect heavy traffic any/all times in future. Shouldn’t need further upgrade in anticipated future.
What say we do lunch tomorrow?
Jack :-)

From: “Dot Mallory” <dot@ozbets.com.au>
To: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
Subject: Pull finger out
Date: 24 Nov 2000
Jack,
Late Sat night-Sun much better from our point of view Uncle Jerry may not actually explode. Sorry no can do lunch, tomorrows Sat if you hadn’t noticed, going to Randwick with Uncle J
Dot :-)(

From: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@sociology.lu.ed.uk>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: LR You-Know-Who
Date: 25 Nov 2000
Hi Dot,
Would have got back to you sooner only there was a panic at Henny Penny, had to re-shoot an episode of Series 3. Of course you’re right, mea culpa. Only you’re not a procrastinator, you don’t know what it’s like, the more you put it off the worse it gets. Anyway you can’t tell me anything I haven’t told myself. Or that Rupy hasn’t told me a million times. Mark’s really pleased with my chapter on workplace groups in the context of filming a TV series, but do you want to know?
Glumly,
Rosie

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@sociology.lu.ed.uk>
Subject: LR You-Know-Who
Date: 26 Nov 2000
Hi Rosie,
Suppose you can’t help it. Only don’t grumble when the S hits the F. I notice you’re in at uni in the weekend again, thought you’d finished that chapter for Mark’s book? Are you working on your own nationalism stuff, how’s it going?
    Went to Randwick with Uncle Jerry yesterday, had a good day, great to get out in the fresh air. Jack King from NSWnet decided to come too at the last minute, not too sure that Uncle Jerry wanted him, actually. He’s not a bad joker as Computer Sci bods go. Not too much of a nerd, but lets himself get taken in by his bloody bosses, Harry Jacobs and Kyle Swynnett, they’re gazetted nerds, started the company from scratch when ISPs in Oz were in their infancy kind of thing. In other words spotted a bandwaggon and leapt on it. They may be good businessmen, or at least their figures check out, Uncle Jerry’s consortium’s accountants checked them out, no sweat, but they’re like all Computer Sci types, hopelessly overestimate their capacity for doing X while hopelessly underestimating the time it’ll take. Like never having realised that their clients respect them less for that sort of cock-up and would respect them a lot more if they’d be up-front and give them the realistic picture.
    Guess what, Deirdre actually came to see me on Fri. & said could she have the training on searching the new system! It’s dawned at last that Betty & Maureen & all the girls are leaving her behind and she’s going to be left with only the simplest inputting and getting the tea. I don’t think she’s going to be able to cope with the basic training course I set up for the rest of them and of course she’d never be able to cope with the full-day training the database suppliers suggested, the cretins think everybody’s as full-on as their head trainer and straight out of a uni course in, you guessed it, Computer Sci. So I’m working up a softer version of the basic training. All she really needs is a nice slow demo, she’s the sort of person that learns by seeing. Like, a typical Type A adult learner. I got quite a good book on adult learning from the uni library, they let me sign on as an adult borrower, the reggos seem to have loosened up. So good, I’ll borrow their set of Zola, it’s a real nice edition. One by one, of course.
WARNING: Aunty May’s started moaning about why aren’t you coming home for Chrissie, it’s dawned that with all the dough you’re making from The Captain’s Daughter you can afford it. This all while she won’t even work up the guts to fly over to Norfolk Island.
Cheers!
Dot
PS, SECOND WARNING: Aunty Allyson and Wendalyn have enrolled Taylor in bloody dance classes, the model being Guess Who? Tulle frills and posing are the least of it. Sickening and a half!

From: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@sociology.lu.ed.uk>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: Hullo again
Date: 27 Nov 2000
Hi Dot,
Who is this Jack King from NSWnet and if he’s not a bad joker, why haven’t I heard of him before? Intriguing, as Data would say. Tell me more! Like, hair, eyes, teeth, bod? Is he the pale wormy type you’d blush to be seen with on Bondi Beach let alone Maslin?
    The nationalism study’s coming along good, thanks for asking, the article was published last month and Prof.’s really pleased with it. Talking of Data, I’ve got so much data I’m planning to work it up into something solid, looks real promising.
    Thanks for the double warning, I definitely won’t be home this Chrissie, with Sickening Little Taylor in tulle! In fact going to DC to spend some time with John. Don’t worry, I’m writing tactfully to Mum. No S has as yet hit the F and Brian’s pushing me and Rupy to let Euan Keel join in our Chrissie tap show at Della’s Dance Studio, so expect to see pics of me flashing the tits on his arm in the near future.
WARNING FOR YOU: Mum thinks the bloody “Lily Rose” perfume sounds lovely for a young girl so Guess Who she’s going to foist it on this Chrissie?
Cheers
Rosie.
PS You can always get me on <lrmarshall@iasss.org> only don’t write anything you don’t want Rupy to read over my shoulder! XX, Rosie.

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@iasss.org>
Subject: Testing
Date: 29 Nov 2000
Rosie,
Are you receiving this?
And don’t be a clot, Jack King’s just a bloke, you’re getting as bad as the aunties.
Dot.
PS Rupy’s welcome to read anything I send. Hi, Rupy.

From: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@iasss.org>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: Testing
Date: 1 Dec 2000
Hi, Dot,
Of course I got your email, do you think I never check my mail? All my sociol. mates in the States use this address & half the Oz ones as well. I’m more intrigued than ever!!
HULLO DTO SO AM i
That was Rupy, he can’t type, the great nong. Can’t chat, we got to rush, going to a stupid PR wingding arranged by Brian this pm.
SHE’S GOING TO WAER HER BALCK pRINCES LENTHG
Don’t ask me why he’s putting the caps lock on. It’s a putrid dress tho not as bad as some Henny Penny’s forced me into. John likes it, pity it won’t be his arm I lean on to flash the tits.
Cheers
Rosie
zzz rUPY
He means XXX. From me, too! R.


3/14 Acacia Grove
MELTON HEIGHTS NSW 2075

10 December 2000

Dear Isabelle,
    Wish you had email, it’d be easier. The above is my new address, I admit it’s quite near to Mum and Dad’s but it’s a really nice flat, Bob Springer found it for me. There are 10 in the block but they’re stepped, with solid brick walls separating them so you can’t see the neighbours and really quite quiet. Two storeyed, town-houses really, but pretty small, only 1 bedroom tho it’s a good size. However there’s a neato sort of lobby area upstairs that I’m going to use as a study. Only a small garden, mainly brick, heating up nicely at this time of year, might rip some of it out but I don’t want grass. Mercury Bay weed? What do you think? Carport at the back with an extendible washing-line under cover. Decided to buy in the end, the bank gave me a mortgage and Uncle Jerry insisted on making me a loan as well. Wasn't going to let him but Dad weighed in on his side so in the end I did.
    Haven’t got much furniture yet, probably just as well, because if I had a spare bed or a sofabed Bernice the Ballerina’d come and sleep on it, she’s had a row with Mum and Dad. Not over taking the job at Mitre 10 with Bob S., he’s a decent guy (apart from the hands-on they don’t know about, but that was only an aberration, poor old Bob) and at least it’s an income, but over signing up for this advanced fabric art crap with one of Joslynne’s Mum’s mates instead of settling down to work up a realistic portfolio of the stuff the art school actually wants.
    Guess what, thicko Darien’s got himself engaged to Yolande Innes! Rhonda’s youngest sister, you may not remember her, she was two years ahead of Deanna. About as dumb as Rhonda but a lot prettier. She’s having a shower next week, well timed, just before Chrissie, isn’t it? I’d like to give her something a bit different from the usual nutmeg graters and stuff. Set of glass dessert dishes like Aunty Kate’s? Like, something a bit nicer than the Kmart ones. Though they're not bad, in fact me and Deanna went there last week and bought a Willow Pattern dinner set and a set of glass pudding plates for a really good price, plus and half a dozen Indonesian glass tumblers for practically zilch, cheaper than the plastic sets. What do you think?
    Bumped into your mum at the Mall last Thurs night, she was on again about no good news from you and Scott yet, so be warned. Did she tell you old Ma Sutherland sold that barracks of hers down George Cres and the developers have already razed it? Going to put up a block of, get this, 6 maisonettes suitable for young business couples, I kid you not, that’s straight off their sign. In Melton Heights? Never thought I’d live to see the day.
    Also saw that little toad Bobby Reilly at the Mall and he said to tell you if Scott really wants a souvenir of the Olympics, he can get him a volunteer’s ID, only cost him 50 bucks. Read, he’ll pinch Gazza Reilly’s.
    Taking about the Olympics, Darien and Yolande are making noises about maybe grabbing one of those Olympic Village units out Homebush. They’re even more jerry-built than the rest of the suburban crap that’s gone up in the last 10 years, but whatever turns you on. Added to which, what about the driving? Don’t think it’s dawned on the poor girl that Old Man McKenzie isn’t going to let Darien off the all-night stints at the servo just because of a few negligible points like just got married.
    Uncle Jerry says to tell you and Scott thanks again for the great service, his Jap partners really appreciated it. Mr Watanabe liked Queensland so much he reckons he’s going to bring Mrs out next year for a hol, so if you get an unintelligible call from Tokyo it’ll be them! The website’s started getting a lot of hits from Jap punters, especially since we put up the Japanese races. Unfortunately not all of them are capable of following the instructions about signing on as a client, so we’re going to add the Japanese version. The consortium’s pushing for Chinese as well but how the Hell do you do a credit check on a Chinese national? However, we have got a reliable bloke doing the Singapore stuff now. For a while I was wondering if Uncle Jerry had bitten off a lot more than he can chew. I'm plugging on with the Adult Ed Japanese but it sure isn’t easy.
    Jack King’s definite he will come up with me in Feb so do us a big favour and make it 2 cabins, will you? He's an OK guy but I’m really not at the stage of making any decisions like that. And given I have to work quite closely with him I don't want to set myself up for future embarrassment if I change my mind about him.
    Hope the business is going good & you and Scott and Tinker are all well.
Cheers
Dot
PS. Would you believe, I said to Jack that you’ve got an ace dog, a Blue Heeler, and so he said what’s his name and I said, she’s a bitch and her name’s Tinker and he didn’t get it? So you can see why I haven’t made up my mind about him. –D.
PPS in case you’ve come into the 21st Century, its:
 <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>

Jasmine Bowers Motel,
7 Jasmine Tce,
SUNSHINE BEACH QLD 4167

14 December 2000

Dear Dot,
    Scott says you’re mad, we weren’t going to put you in a cabin, you can have our spare room. Anyway we’re fully booked for Feb, can’t manage a cabin for Jack but we’ve got a sofa bed in the lounge room he can use. If you must be that pure. He sounds OK, what’s wrong with him? Scott reckons nothing, it’s all in your head. Granted he laughed himself sick when you suggested calling Tinker that, only Mum and Dad never got it and nor did Aunty Maeve and Uncle Phil.
    The flat sounds ace. I’d definitely have Mercury bay weed. Only I wouldn’t rip anything out until you’ve had a year in the place. You need to get to know it. Buying was the best decision. You’ll have the equity in it. If they’re building maisonnettes in George Cres it’s a good investment because prices of units are bound to rise.
    No way is Scott going to pay Bobby Reilly $50 for a stupid volunteer thing and you can tell him that with my complements.
    I’m glad to hear that Darien’s getting hitched at last. I think a set of glass dessert bowls would be good. But don’t get anything too modernistic, will you? Is Yolande the blonde one that started an apprenticeship at New Wave? I think I remember her.
    I hope you’re kidding about phone calls from Tokyo because we’ve got Oona Barry helping in the office and she’s not that good on the phone at the best of times.
    Business is really good but Mr and Mrs Till are still holding out for mega bucks to buy them out, Scott’s started to get real ratty about it. Given that they don’t pay for anything. He even has to mow the verges himself. So I asked Queenie Morton at Gum Nut Lodge what their arrangement is and their owners do all the outside upkeep. I knew Scott was letting Mr Till sucker us. They’ve got a service contract with Spalding Electrical, she says it’s really worth it because the customers are murder on the TV’s. She’s right there. So I think it would be worth it, I’ll make Scott agree to one.
    Scott says you’re mad we don’t need email. Only Gum Nut Lodge has got it, they belong to a group that advertises on the Internet. She said it was cheaper than going it alone and they have started to get a few bookings through it. Its not as if we’re not doing really well as it is but what do you think? We’ve already got a computer for the bookings and the accounts of course, not to mention his stupid games, so maybe it’d be worth it.
    Gum Nut Lodge can print out their headed paper from their computer too, what do you think? We paid out mega bucks to the printers and when we only wanted to add one little thing they said we’d have to pay for the art work all over again. So we said no way. Mind you, most of our bookings are by phone, we don’t need to write much.
    Scott’s cousin Melanie’s got engaged over in WA. His Aunty Gayle’s furious because she’s never met him. Only given the distance I think thats fair enough. He was working for one of the big mining co’s in Kalgoorlie, that's where she met him. But she’s made him give it up, its too isolated. They’re coming over for the wedding but they can’t manage it for an engagement party as well so his Aunty Gayle’s on about that now.
    Well, thats all the news for now. Hope you’re all well that end. Give our love to your Mum and Dad, won’t you, and remind them they can have the best cabin at mate’s rates any time they like to book except Christmas-New Years.
Cheers,
Isabelle

21 Dec.
Dear Dot,
Merry Yankee Xmas from DC. Having great time, wonderful to be with John!! V. cold here, pic on this card is a lie! Great uniforms everywhere, Xtra steaks, otherwise food like Dad predicted. Merry Xmas & Love, Rosie. XXX.


From: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@iasss.org>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: Back in the USSR
Date: 11 Jan 2001
Hi, Dot,
Just to let you know I’m back in London, spent most of yesterday sleeping off the jet-lag. Hope you got the postcards & the Chrissie letter. Rupy’s started to get all agitato becos John thinks I’ve already told Brian Hendricks about deciding to give up The Captain’s Daughter now we’ve finished filming the third series. But there wasn’t any time to talk about that sort of thing.
NTO MUCH
That was him, as if you couldn’t have guessed. We’re waiting breathlessly for news of Jack, over here! Did you have him round for Xmas dinner or did you just join up with his family for Xmas evening drinks or what?
OR bOXING DAY?
Yes, that. Let us know soonest, our tongues are hanging out for news!
OANT PANT
(One out of two.) Had a few days back in DC after the trip to California to see John’s grown-up son, Matt, & went to a concert, most of it was Bach, really nice, only in the 2nd half they played a piece by David Walsingham, wasn’t he the bloke you met last time you stayed at Aunty Kate’s? Too modern for me but John’s a lot more musical than yours truly, he reckoned it was good. Then we saw him interviewed on TV, looking horribly uncomfortable as the interviewer asked the usual range of questions from ill-informed to gross, we concluded he can’t be all bad? I could see why Aunty Kate told Mum he was attractive, can’t believe you couldn’t see it! A bit the Bogart type?
    Better go, got to free this line so that Sheila Bryant Casting can leave messages urging me to set up a meet with Henny Penny Productions for signing new contracts, little do they know.
POOR BRAIN hENDRICKS WILL HAVE A HEART ATAKC
On the other hand at least I didn’t ruin Xmas for him and Penny. Not to mention Sheila Bryant.
See ya
Rosie
+ RUPY XX

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@iasss.org>
Subject: Back in the USSR
Date: 12 Jan 2001
Leave it out, Rosie! Me and Jack are just friends. Of course we didn’t spend flaming Chrissie Day together or have drinks at his parents or whatever cretinous crap you and your CRETINOUS FLATMATE wrote. RUPY MAYNARDE, THIS MEANS YOU. As for D. Up-Himself Walsingham, Aunty Kate thinks he’s attractive because she’s a silly middle-aged moo he sucked up to, and you think he’s attractive because of your older men thing and if you can’t see it I bet Rupy can.
And I think you’re being totally irresponsible over the Capt.’s Daughter thing and as for keeping John in the dark you must be out of your tree. And don’t send me any more crapulous messages unless you can say something sensible.
Dot

From: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@iasss.org>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: Sorry
Date: 13 Jan 2001
Sorry, Dot. -Rosie
ME TOO rUPY

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@iasss.org>
Subject: Sorry
Date: 14 Jan 2001
I should ruddy well think so!
Dot


From: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@iasss.org>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: The good news & the bad news
Date: 23 Jan 2001
Hi, Dot,
First off, the good news is John’s asked me to share his cottage, I mean really live with him, as soon as he gets back! And he's made a plan to take over the lease of the flat and everything.
   Rupy was so relieved he came back from old Doris Winslow’s downstairs. Did I tell you he’d been staying with her for a bit, couldn’t take the pressure of waiting for the S to hit the F at Henny Penny? No, maybe not. Anyway it has. I had a meeting with Brian Hendricks & Sheila (my agent), told them the worst and they just about passed out. Eventually they suckered me into agreeing to do the 4th series, but I stipulated only 1 full working day per week and NO public appearances, they were what was eating up my time. As he’s agreeing to all this it’s written loud and clear on Brian’s face he’ll use the breathing-space to look round for someone to replace me, so much the better.
    That wasn’t when the S hit the F, though. The thing is, I did this stupid interview with The Observer as me. I mean, as L.R. Marshall, M.A., Ph.D. They’re about to serialise chapters of Mark’s book. Never mind why I agreed to anything so bloody silly. Well, I’d had an argument with Mark. Not about anything important. I had my hair scraped back with loads of gel and I was wearing a pair of fake horn-rims Rupy got hold of for me (plain glass), & the grungy gear I normally wear to uni, and I got past the receptionist okay, plus and the photographer, the features editor, and the interviewer lady. All she really wanted was to get out of me what the TV series I’d observed for the book was, but of course I never let on. I used my down-home Aussie voice, not the dim but up-market British coo I use as Lily Rose. And then she dumped me back at the lift and headed back to her office. The scraped-back hair was driving me nuts so I shook it out, meanwhile taking off the specs, they were pressing on my nose, and whammo, the lift doors opened and a girl came out and took one look at me and squealed: “Lily Rose Rayne!” and the interviewer came dashing back. And that was It. I,T.
    I’ll spare you the full gruesome details. But they had Brian and the top guy from Henny Penny’s lawyers in on the act and God knows what. So The Observer is going to break it next Sunday and I have to stay immured in the flat until Friday week, which is when my next appearance on Parkinson is scheduled for. They’ve made an agreement no other media interviews before then. Who’s scratching whose back difficult to tell.
    I can see you sitting there at your desk on the other side of the world thinking what a fuss about nothing, and objectively, it is. I couldn’t agree more. But the media’s like that.
    I’ll ring Mum and Dad as soon as it’s a reasonable time their time. I have to, promised John I would. He was really furious with me for being so up-myself as to believe I could fool all of the people all of the time and doing The Observer interview. Not to mention the thoughtlessness in regard to Brian and what it’ll do to Henny Penny Productions if the Great British Public takes the umbrage it’s fully entitled to take. Put it like this, nothing you could possibly say could be worse than having a strip torn off by John Haworth, Capt., R.N., even though I do fully realise that for a senior Naval captain that was a mild strip. Of course I bawled like a real nong but funnily enough the Royal Naval heart wasn’t softened. It’s not that he's broken it off, he’s not like that, it’s just that he’s really disappointed and disgusted with me. Anyway, be warned. The Observer won’t be too bad, they’re very up-market and besides, Brian’s lawyers have been over what they’re going to say with a fine-tooth comb, but once it breaks the rest of the media will say anything at all, Rupy and me are certainly expecting the worst.
YES WE ARE lUVLY TO TAKL TO YOU AGAIN DOT wE BETTER SEND THIS BEFORE SHE BLUBS AGAIN AL LUV rUPY XX
I’m not blubbing. Take care, Dot, & whatever Mum says, you knew nothing, OK?
Rosie. XXX

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Rosie Marshall” <lrmarshall@iasss.org>
Subject: The good news & the bad news
Date: 25 Jan 2001
Hi, Rosie,
Thanks for the warning. I couldn’t agree more, I know nothing. What can I say? Put it like this, Everything John said, multiplied by FIVE. You total nit.
RUPY, IF I WAS YOU I’D GO DOWNSTAIRS TO OLD DORIS’S AGAIN.
I’ll send this and free up the line because guess what, any minute now the phone’s going to ring. I’d wish you good luck if I thought you deserved any.
Dot
PS. It is good news about you & John but Guess Who doesn't really deserve it?

From: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dot@ozbets.com.au>
Subject: Hullo
Date: 31 Jan 2001
Hi Dot,
Were you online chatting all night last night? Rang you but your line always engaged. Lunch tomorrow, 1.00 pm usual place?
Jack :-)

From: “Dot Mallory” <dot@ozbets.com.au>
To: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
Subject: Hullo
Date: 31 Jan 2001
Jack, I don’t CHAT, it’s for CRETINS! My line engaged becos we’re having a family CRISIS, didn’t you SEE my cousin splashed all over the TV news? Can’t do lunch, there’s reporters all over our building they’ve found out Uncle Jerry’s Rosie’s Dad, his ladies are giving interviews right left & sideways, it’s CHAOS.
And for Pete’s sake unless it’s work contact me on:
 <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Dot

From: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: Saturday
Date: 31 Jan 2001
Dot, cant see why you have to involve yourself in your cousin’s stupid messes even if you do work for her Dad. Just reminding you I’ve got that job on over in Armidale, they want to consult in person with Kyle and me. Back on Fri pm, pick you up Sat 6.30 am.
Jack

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au
Subject: Saturday
Date: 31 Jan 2001
Jack, Normal human people get involved in their bloody rellies’ bloody messes, what are you?
NO WAY am I driving up to Queensland with you on 3 hours sleep are you NUTS? Either you can let me drive the heap or pick me up 10.30 am.
Dot

From: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
Subject: Saturday
Date: 1 Feb 2001
OK Dot make it 10.30. Can't chat, client wants complete rethink of quote
Jack

From: “Dot Mallory” <dmallory@hotshots.com.au>
To: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au
Subject: Saturday
Date: 1 Feb 2001
Hi Jack,
Got yours, see you 10.30 am.
Cheers,
Dot

From: “Jack King” <webmaster@nswnet.com.au>
To: “Dot Mallory” <dot@ozbets.com.au>
Subject: URGENT CANCEL SATURDAY
Date: 2 Feb 2001
Dot - sorry, Saturday’s off, Kyle & I have to stay on here over weekend, now in completely different scenario with client. Will ring. Jack

5 Feb.
Dear Aunty May,
This is a pic of the main beach, Isabelle & Scott’s motel is behind that big white high-rise, 2 blocks back. V. warm here, been for 3 swims already. Hope the media frenzy’s slackened off there. Thanks again for lending me your car. Love, Dot. X.

5 Feb.
Dear Rosie,
This is in return for the sunny White House at Xmas! Isabelle & Scott are behind that big white high-rise. V. tropical here, wetter out of water than in. Jack couldn’t make it, bit of a relief, really. Take care! Love, Dot. X.

5 Feb.
Dear Rupy,
Thought you’d like a pic of a genuine Queensland rosella, actually you get them all over Oz. The ones here are very tame, they do feed from your hands just like in the pic. How’s it? Hope the 21st Century M. Monroe isn’t giving you too much of a hard time! Cheers, Dot.


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